Saturday, October 3, 2009

seeds of a new day

growing up is hard to do

Holy cat's eye, LOL. My last entry was about time, of all subjects. Here it is fall already and I am still "in the struggle." Goodness, one of my friends once told me to "let go of the struggle," and I looked at her thinking, what, are you, daft? My own reliance, I confess, on some social constructs of networking has been thoroughly inhibited by my own specific brain.

Way back when I was graduating from nursing schools as a twenty-five year old kid I had little idea at all about my own personal life history or my future. Imagine that-- I was totally clueless in some ways. At the same time, though, I was embarking on a career and excited about it until the reality set in of course, LOL. Now I am on the other side of the bedrail to an extent I did not really foresee, although also clearly blessed by my professional knowledge, despite it being outdated by over a decade now.

So there I was one spring day earlier this year, proud of myself for stacking up packed boxes to get myself moved to a more accessible environment of some sort when I began to have some familiar symptoms that reminded me of previous experiences with this physical housing of my spirit. Darn, I said, with a somewhat more colloquially emphatic tone. Something in my harmonic vibration kicks me off the path to moving every darn year, and here it is actually butt kicking me into ceasing entirely the objective that I would demand of myself for the coming tomorrows.

This leaves plenty to your imagination, which is appropriate for you readers who have had reasonable facsimile experiences in your own aging processes. Unfortunately for me I am too habitually independent minded for my own good, and the ensuing path of least resistance has been less fun that your average hayride.

However, at this point I am back in control, if such a thing is possible. I have also experienced some losses, though. And in some matters it is the natural result of the ongoing healing process that is life itself. The loss of privacy has in some way, shape and form become a distinctly undeniable but yet invisible calamity to more than one of us. That is some kind of a "process" that in some instances is "divined" by others who see themselves as having a direct link to some specific Higher Power which is not so interpreted by my own neurological equipment as the answer to myself. I am an intuitive, insightful person, who was encouraged in independent functioning at an early age. Most others whom I know socially are not on the same wave length. That must be why many of them have given themselves over to a group structure or consciousness that they believe is the way of being led that makes the most sense for me as well, gosh darn them!!!!!

So, in many ways I remain my own old cantankerous cartoon self. I specifically embrace my own personality, defects and all, because in an early time, before my introduction to transformational thinking, I was a heinous criminal in my own selectively ethnically educated conscience related to family, etc. My path to forgiveness of myself has sometimes appeared to others as though it deletes them in favor of myself. This is not factually true-- but detachment has to remain a part of healing in all relationships, regardless of the dispute, and some of my own personal past has intrepidly guided me to putting my own needs ahead of others more often that others would wish to be true. Detachment always requires a period of introspection of oneself, even if only transiently. Sometimes my self examinations reveal a less than acceptable level of tolerance toward others, as I am one of those who was conditioned to place blame and manufacture excuses for myself as a child. Gee willigers, growing up is hard to do. Growing older is actually a lot more fun most of the time.

The fact of the matter is that most people who devote themselves to spiritual causes neglect themselves to a greater degree than they wish to discuss privately or publicly; and as a result we do not get some of the envisioned work properly fulfilled because we are all tripping on fixing the consolidated forces of our individual friends, whom we may see as "in trouble," rather than remanding ourselves to concentrating more strictly on our own ineptitude. As the CODA Coin is inscribed, "To Thy Own Self Be True."

No blame is warranted, of course, in the realm of human communication.

By the way, to all the scientists in the community surrounding Maplewood, MO., we are in need of some objective observers of the telepathic environment here which has mysteriously embraced us. Preferably these observers would have some deep understanding of the physics of connections of particles, waves, etc.; and would also not be themselves working for a commercial industry which produces or sells electronic communication devices. Some of you have already been out there somewhere, but my impression is that there is some conflict of interest with some connections-- just an intuitive guess, folks, LOL.

To all of my friends who may be concerned about what on earth hobbit hole I have recently fallen into, I am still in this old frustration of a running-in-place apartment, which demonstrates a tiny ecological footprint, but does not facilitate my comfort within the range of my physical impairments. Recently I re-initiated my interactions with a friend of a counsellor who is adept at understanding adaptations, among other things, so I am on the road to recovery in my attitude again. If any of you are free to give me some help, here are a few things that would be helpful:

  • Helping me to get my driver's license updated from a permit to full driving privileges by taking me around in your own vehicle until I am confident to take the driving test again.
  • Keeping an eye out for a small and reasonably priced low gas mileage car. This will be intended for local use only.
  • Helping me to keep up my morale on the moving process. I have more ideas than factual information yet, and confuse myself rather easily about decision making about a longterm private residence solution to living with a chronic illness, especially with my income constraints and relationship issues.
  • Keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I know some of you have been doing so already.
Meanwhile, you may be seeing me re-emerge into a social environment or two that I have been thoroughly neglecting out of the consternation of my symptoms, which are relinquishing their grip again.

Let me know what is up with you. My email addresses are all restored after a time altogether off the Internet. My phone will soon have a call notes function as well.

Until then, be well.